My wife was talking with our rabbi this morning about blogs as she consumed some cookies from one of the nicer bakeries in the area brought over by one of our neighbors. Since her surgery, as she waits for the pathology report, she has been reading blogs from cancer survivors, noting most have poor endings. She has most recently been reading one from a woman who was also diagnosed at a young age and died less than 2 1/2 years after diagnosis (she was doing a search on lymphedema, as her arm is swollen from where the lymph node was taken and found this woman's site). Reading the woman's initial entries, her diagnosis and initial report seemed much like my wife's, but different. Almost 2 months passed from the time she discovered her lump to a diagnosis of cancer, my wife's diagnosis came within 3 weeks. I think part of that time difference is that the other woman, who just happened to have been my wife's age (both born the same year), was diagnosed in 2005. Reading the blog, though it got depressing in the end, shows how much has changed in treatment in just 7 years. It also shows how much is the same at the begging with optimism and hope. The rabbi noted that the ones with happier endings pretty much stop after surgery and treatment because, fortunately, there is nothing more to write about. So for the few who are reading this, I'll add another post. But I also don't have much to say.
Tomorrow my wife goes back into the city to have her followup post surgical appointment and, hopefully, get to hear if the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes (as of Friday afternoon the labs hadn't come back). Afterwards, she will meet with an oncologist at the hospital to get their opinion for followup treatment before meeting with another later in the week closer to home. Just as in the initial days of diagnosis, we are back on that roller coaster of nerves. Tempers are getting frayed. Food is being consumed (those cookies were good). Weight is being lost (I tend to eat when stressed, my wife likes to exercise and finally headed back to the gym the other day).
I am learning much about myself the last few weeks and some things I do not like at all. Cancer does make one appreciate things more but it is also bringing out some dark thoughts and I wonder how, if things go bad tomorrow, I will be as the husband of a sick wife, caring for her like we cared for my mother when I was in my early 20s and how I would fare as a single parent. I don't like some of the thoughts that pop into my head when I give myself a true self assessment. My temper is already shorter than usual and I find myself screaming about meaningless things like spilled iced tea. My office offers psychological therapy and as soon as things calm down, or at least get into a predictable pattern, I think I shall take advantage of it.
One thing I've noticed is a change in my thinking when I am alone with the children. Like many modern fathers, I am more involved in their daily lives than my father was in mine. Due to a flexible work schedule, I get them off to the school bus in the morning and work at home several times a week so that I am home in the afternoon to take them to after school activities. While I do the weekly grocery shopping, cooking and some chores around the house, my wife, like most women, still does the bulk of the house work. However, the last few weeks as medical appointments and other things have kept my wife out of the house more often then usual, I find I have to do a little more. Suddenly I am getting an insight of what it must be like for single or otherwise widowed fathers and I don't like it.
My wife's disease is making me realize how important it is to have two parent families and what a struggle single parents must go through. We are fortunate to have friends and family willing to help us now with the children, others are not. We also have the resources available to learn as much as we can, while paying all out bills. Others do not.
I am learning much about myself the last few weeks and some things I do not like at all. Cancer does make one appreciate things more but it is also bringing out some dark thoughts and I wonder how, if things go bad tomorrow, I will be as the husband of a sick wife, caring for her like we cared for my mother when I was in my early 20s and how I would fare as a single parent. I don't like some of the thoughts that pop into my head when I give myself a true self assessment. My temper is already shorter than usual and I find myself screaming about meaningless things like spilled iced tea. My office offers psychological therapy and as soon as things calm down, or at least get into a predictable pattern, I think I shall take advantage of it.
One thing I've noticed is a change in my thinking when I am alone with the children. Like many modern fathers, I am more involved in their daily lives than my father was in mine. Due to a flexible work schedule, I get them off to the school bus in the morning and work at home several times a week so that I am home in the afternoon to take them to after school activities. While I do the weekly grocery shopping, cooking and some chores around the house, my wife, like most women, still does the bulk of the house work. However, the last few weeks as medical appointments and other things have kept my wife out of the house more often then usual, I find I have to do a little more. Suddenly I am getting an insight of what it must be like for single or otherwise widowed fathers and I don't like it.
My wife's disease is making me realize how important it is to have two parent families and what a struggle single parents must go through. We are fortunate to have friends and family willing to help us now with the children, others are not. We also have the resources available to learn as much as we can, while paying all out bills. Others do not.
Speaking of the children, we are trying to keep things as normal as possible for them. We were supposed to go on a week's vacation last week, which we cancelled as we didn't know how my wife would feel. One of the nice things about living where we do is that we can hang a left onto a major north south road outside our development, drive 100 miles south and be in a popular vacation spot that is totally different world in about 2 hours (for day trips, we live 30 minutes from the NYC version but that isn't as relaxing as getting out of Dodge). So by mid-week, when she felt well enough for a long ride in the car, we quickly packed, arranged for a neighbor to watch our dogs, and headed down to the shore for a few nights, opting to stay in a quiet town at a fancier hotel than we normally do when we head down there so my wife could take it easy. No rides on the boardwalk this time, just the beach, pool and zoo. Oh and did I mention the hotel had several bars and restaurants attached which meant we could actually have a few drinks and not worry about driving? It was a nice break.
Now break time is over. Friends, neighbors, family and fellow congregants from our temple are asking when we will need child care again (don't know, a lot depends on Monday). My wife hopefully returns to work on Tuesday and I return to my office Wed (telecommuting for now). Soon my wife will begin radiation or chemo (or both) depending on what the oncologists recommend. Once that happens, the rest of our summer, and possibly our year, will be mapped out. But first we have to wait to hear from the pathologist if the cancer had spread. And that is the roller coaster.
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