Mom or rocket scientist?

It is 2013. The women's lib movement was decades ago and many adults, especially those in their mid 40s and younger, don't have any real work-life experience with the major discrimination women suffered years ago. Oh sure, some of us heard stories from our mothers about how the choices when they were young were to become wife and mother, or a teacher, a typist or some other low level job if outside the house. And there are still plenty of instances where there are glass ceilings for women in both blue collar and white collar offices, especially if they are working mothers, both actual and social, no matter how high in the company they may reach. In my working life spanning almost 30 years at this point, I have worked for many male and female bosses including, at one point, for a then Fortune 500 company where our CEO/President was a woman and, for the most part, have never seen women discriminated against, especially in recent years. Therefore, I am amused about the snit among some over an obituary for a female 88 year old rocket scientist who passed last week, started off with a comment on her cooking skills and being a great mother, despite the family noting that was how they wanted the obituary to start for personal reasons.

Maybe it is a generation thing, but I don't know many people my age, male or female, who worry about being defined by their careers. For many of my peers the bigger concern is a work/life balance, though that view may be due to the people I work with and befriend. Mrs. Brill sounded a lot like a woman of her times, who associated her life with her family over her work, even though her work is what she is remembered for on the national and world stage. Married in the early 1950s, she followed her husband around the country for his work, while she took time away from hers to not only go where he went but to raise their children. And it strikes a cord with me as her story sounds a lot like my mother's, a woman who started as a traditional wife and then moved on to better things. 

Back in the 1950s, a woman's role was, for the most part, standing by her man, running the home and raising the family, even if they had dreams of doing more. My mother was one of those women and she made a point of telling my brothers, sister and I that her dreams of being a geologist were put aside due to the times and how wonderful it was that that was changing (this was the 1970s). She often spoke how envious she was of her sister-in-law, about a decade younger, who came of age at the right time and was able to have a meaningful career. My mother told us several times the story of how when she went to Brooklyn College in the mid 1950s, one professor accused her of taking a seat from a man because he speculated she just wanted to meet boys, despite already being engaged to my father. This was not the case for my aunt a decade later. As a result, like many women of her day, my mother became a teacher, quitting for a time to raise children, before returning to the work force. However, due to her lack of education in the sciences, and other circumstances, she was unable to follow her passion.

However, my mother eventually was able to be more than a mother and teacher, finding meaningful volunteer work in several organizations, becoming quite prominent in one of them, and may have been remembered for that if she had died when still young. But that was decades ago and declining health forced her to step away from most of those activities over a decade ago. Now, as my mother nears the end of her life, with many of her friends and former colleagues already gone, she will be remembered as a mother and grandmother by the only people who will really care.

Finally, my grandfather (my mother's father) had his obit in the NY Times almost 30 years ago. And while I don't recall if he wrote it himself (it was one of the ones you had to pay for)  he definitely had final say. Therefore, I imagine Mrs. Brill did too. And if that was the case, then it was she who thought being a wife and mother was more important than being a rocket scientist and that was how she wanted to be remembered.

Oh, more thing ladies still upset that the obit started with Mrs. Brill's homemaking skills. As I noted above it is 2013. Please stop acting surprised when I answer the phone mid-day and tell you my wife is at work. Some of us men are house husbands while others work from home (like I do) some or all week days. Stop asking for her when the call could easily apply to either of us (I also take messages so saying thank you and hanging up before I can even ask what the call is about is kinda rude).

her story sounds a lot like my mother's, a woman who started as a traditional wife and then moved on to better things. My mother made a point of telling my brothers, sister and I that her dreams of being a geologist were put aside due to the times and how wonderful it was that that was changing (this was the 1970s). When she went to Brooklyn College in the mid 1950s, one professor accused her of taking a seat from a man because he speculated she just wanted to meet boys, despite already being engaged to my father. She eventually was able to be more than a mother and teacher and may have been remembered for that if she had died when still young. But now, as my mother nears the end of her life, with many of her friends and former colleagues already gone, she will be remembered as a mother and grandmother by the only people who will really care.

her story sounds a lot like my mother's, a woman who started as a traditional wife and then moved on to better things. My mother made a point of telling my brothers, sister and I that her dreams of being a geologist were put aside due to the times and how wonderful it was that that was changing (this was the 1970s). When she went to Brooklyn College in the mid 1950s, one professor accused her of taking a seat from a man because he speculated she just wanted to meet boys, despite already being engaged to my father. She eventually was able to be more than a mother and teacher and may have been remembered for that if she had died when still young. But now, as my mother nears the end of her life, with many of her friends and former colleagues already gone, she will be remembered as a mother and grandmother by the only people who will really care.