Hello breast cancer our old "friend," I hate to see you again .... Writing got me through this last time, until I was ready to talk to someone -- hopefully it does the same again. But, before I write, I need to start.

Back in 2012, my (then 41 year old) wife was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy one of the top cancer hospitals in the US. Her margins were clear and  nothing had spread to her lymph nodes. So, after a round of chemo and radiation, she was cleared and ready to go on with life.

Fast forward to 2016. Maybe even 2015. She started feeling pain in her bones, but wrote it off to arthritis. She was having trouble sleeping. Tamoxifen, which ultimately gave her blood clots, forced her to sleep on our recliner so she could keep her feet raised. After a short time, she discovered that was a more comfortable place to sleep. Still, she was constantly tired and unfocused. As spring went on, her mental lapses continued. Thinking it was due to lack of sleep, we finally broke down and bought a posterpetic adjustable bed for her (pretty comfortable actually).

At the time of the blood clot, she had a followup with her oncologist. Aside from the blood clots all seemed well. She was taken off the Tamoxifen (could that be where the cancer cells saw their opening and struck back?) and given other drugs that caused other side effects.More pain, more mental issues.

After a time she started feeling pain in her abdomen. She's not sure when it started, it was so gradual.  Maybe late spring? Hard to know. It didn't help that since her last round, she left her previous job and opened a law practice that required her to drive all around the state of NJ. If I had to guess, I'd say it became noticeable sometime in late May when she decided she no longer had the energy to run her firm and go to the gym (last time she went to the Y constantly as it made her feel better).

The firm was busy so she put off going to the doctor, though she did have a colonoscopy in early June -- all looked well (no blood work). She had good days and bad. Finally, at the end of July she went to her primary care doctor. Thinking it was gallstones. her doctor told her to go the ER outpatient for scans (just across the street from the office). Two oncologists came in and told her the scans (and later tests confirmed) that her liver was riddled with lesions. Stage IV breast cancer -- no cure.

To say we were shocked is to put it mildly. Long story short, we know the odds -- 22% survival rate after five years. Obviously there are other factors in that survival rate -- age, general health, wealth, access to care etc. Still, it was like we just died, at least our long term plans.

It is likely we will not grow old together. She will probably not see our children marry, her grandchildren ... At this point her hope is to see our 11 year old through high school, while realizing she may not see our 16 year old make it that far.

My emotions are all over the place. I need to vent but am not ready to talk. Hopefully this will help me collect my thoughts so I can, ultimately help my wife through this.