Death is a part of life

In a recent Dear Abby, I read a letter from an ailing grandfather upset that his son and daughter-in-law were trying to keep his grandson away from him because he was dying and they were afraid their grandson would become upset if his now beloved grandfather died (in lieu of a grandfather in name only). What is it with people being afraid of death?

Last year my mother, who has been in declining health for several years, had a stroke. As she recovered it became apparent that she was not going to return to her old self. Mentally she was, and is, still all there, but her body had taken a severe blow. While she was rehabbing we took our children to see her, explaining to our (then) 6 year old that Grandma was in poor physical shape, would have trouble speaking to him, may look a little different etc, but that she wanted to see him. The visit went as well as we could expect. A few days later, we get a call from his teacher saying our son was acting out all of the sudden. We told her about my mother and then she said one of the more hurtful things to me during this ordeal: that maybe it was best if our son didn't visit her.

At the time we didn't know if mom was ready to give up or not or continue to fight to live and the visit meant a lot to her. I explained to the teacher that our family was not a fairy tale with grandma baking cookies etc, that our son has a very sick grandmother and that my mother would probably remain that way for the rest of her life. I'm not sure if my tears, as I explained all this, were from anger or sadness. There is a part of me that wishes our children would have "normal" grandparents, especially when we want to go away for a weekend and are looking for relatives (siblings, cousins our age have children of their own, older relatives have health issues too or are still working) to care for them, but with grandfathers who died young and grandmothers with health issues of their own at young ages, that is not to be. We've come to accept that this was the hand our parents' were dealt and have lived with it.

Sometimes I think I grieve more that my children will not be able to have the same relationships I had my with my grandparents: no grandfather to take them fishing and tell stories of mom and her brother as children, no grandmother who could cook up a storm (in fairness, neither of our mothers were "gourmet" cooks in their prime) or take them to the top of the Empire State Building in the middle of the week because they were retired.

Today, over a year after the stroke, my mother's health is a non-issue. She's had some setbacks, most of which we are able to shield the children from, and can communicate a little better. We see mom at the nursing home on a fairly regular basis and my children accept her condition: our youngest will have no memory of her healthier days, but we have pictures. I'm sure there will be issues when my mom finally does die, but I couldn't imagine keeping my children away from her (aside from when there is illness of course). She needs to know them, they need to know her.

Yes, she'll never be able to tell them stories like my grandparents did, nor go out for a nice family meal at a restaurant (stroke left her unable to chew solids), but my children will have other memories. They will remember drag racing grandma's wheelchair from their tricycle in the nursing home courtyard. They'll remember walks/rolls to the park. The important thing is that they'll remember her and that she won't just be some picture on the wall of a person they did not know.