Anxiety

Anxiety. Anxiety is my biggest enemy. Due to it I tend to not have the ability to be graceful under fire. It has harmed relationships and kept me from living my life to the fullest, such as a fear of elevators since childhood, that generally morphed into a fear of being stuck or trapped in an enclosed space, such as a subway car stopped in a tunnel or even stuck in traffic sometimes while in my own car. I thought that I was better, or at least getting better. Now I'm not so sure.

For the last few months I have been taking Celexa to help me deal with the additional anxiety that the stress of my wife's breast cancer was bringing out in me. And for the most part it has worked wonders on me. I no longer find myself getting angry, or at least reacting inappropriately (blowing up) when upset. I find I enjoy life more, am able to play with the children better. I even was able to ride the elevators up and down to the 22nd floor at the Manhattan office building my company's headquarters is located in without freaking out (at least too much -- I still don't like elevators that make noises or have floors that fall away).

What set off my latest anxiety attack was relatively small. My wife and I  set up trust funds for our children in case we die young back in the spring. The trusts would be primarily financed by life insurance policies owned by the trusts. There are a few steps to take to make sure that the life insurance premium on me is paid. Three months ago was the first payment and it required a bit of work. Fast forward to this month and my premium bill came due again. I made a mental note to transfer the money from one account to another and placed the bill where our bills go to remind me to do it over the weekend when I and my wife do our bills. All our bills go in the same slot and my wife each pay them from our own checking accounts (long story, both our accounts are joint, it's just easier with direct deposit and direct billing to keep things as they are). I noticed the insurance bill was gone and figured that my wife paid it. Then, the day before it was due she told me it wasn't. Here comes the problem.

My wife is very bad about using specifics, sticking to generalities like "transfer the money from your account to the trust account" as if I know what accounts she is talking about. I am very bad with general terms; like our Aspberger's son, I need specifics, like what specific account are you talking about. Written instructions are best. I just can't handle generalities. And, as I almost always leave my cell phone, shoes, keys or glasses in a specific place (or places), I also need no disruptions to my bill paying system. If my phone is not in one of it's designated spots, I'm screwed. If a bill is not in the to be paid slot, I assume my wife has paid it. That is what works for me. I have enough things to worry about, the systems I have created for myself helps me easily find what I need to find. When I was done with the bank I wrote out the simple, but direct steps I took to help me next time.

Going back to this morning, I asked my wife what to do with the bank and if she needed to be with me since the account the money was going into was hers (accounts are at same bank). And here is where her public worker mentality that really annoys me kicks in -- when asking a question, she just gives the most basic information instead of spilling her guts. I had totally forgotten how to do things with the bank and couldn't find my notes from last time, she remembered but I had to tweak the information from her, practically line by line. What is the account number? Do I need the bill? I started getting upset, because I still didn't understand what to do. Finally she dropped the final bit of information that helped everything make sense for me. I successfully made the transaction and when I texted her to tell her she turned around and told me I got too anxious from dealing with a simple bank transaction and here lies my question: was I upset because I was anxious or was I upset because she wouldn't share the information she had? 

I initially believed it was the later, but then wondered what if she is right, and my getting upset was because I was anxious about doing something unfamiliar. Compared to our son, whose reaction to hitting a wall when he runs into a new challenge is not smashing through, but crying and screaming until it dissolves, my anxiety levels are nothing. While I don't like being taken our of my comfort zone I am usually OK with it. And I know that was part of it with the bank. Was my getting upset over the lack of sharing the information equally annoying or was it just my anxieties taking over? Or perhaps, it is just how I am.

As an attorney, I know the importance of keeping certain information close to the vest, and I suspect that all these years or working with attorneys and judges (I work in a non-judicial setting) she is just used to that, even with her spouse (or maybe it is a defensive mechanism she developed as our marriage became dysfunctional -- but that is for another day). For some reason that just hits my anxious nerves and gets me upset, but no matter how often I try (and it could be this only comes up in the heat of the moment), I don't know how to convey this to her. She rightfully calls me anxious for wanting all the possible information I can have before doing something but I can't seem to get through to her, even after all these years, that that is just how I am wired and nothing will change that. And in fairness to myself, my anxiety would have been much worse before the medicine.

Many years ago ago, my company ran all of us through a Briggs Myers workshop, where I discovered I am an introverted, judging, thinking, sensitive person (ISTJ: Introvert(44%), Sensing(12%), Thinking(25%), Judging (56%)) (note: that score is from a recent test I found online, I don't recall my exact score but it was something similar). No real surprise. I have always been an introvert. And, as an attorney, it should be no surprise I am a bit anal retentive. I like strict observance of established rules after  careful planning. I am almost never late for an appointment, whether it is going to a party or meeting the school bus, preferring to leave early to make sure I am not late. I end to get upset when we are late, practically irritated. And, after taking the test, it was a relief to discover that I was not weird, I just marched to a different drummer.

I am not a spontaneous person. I am generally quiet, almost shy. I am happy just reading. I like a plan of action with a lot of facts. My electronic calendars, all synched, are filled with reminders to myself to do certain things. I need to understand an issue before I can react to it. Before Briggs Myers, I always hated these features about myself, envious of extroverted friends who could light up a room with a quick quip. It was this test where I learned that being introverted is OK.

And now that I've written all this, I see the problem is mine. Just as I get irritated when my wife makes us late, I was irritated when she she wouldn't give me all the information for the bank. While getting angry is OK, getting upset and reacting poorly is not. My wiring makes me anxious when things aren't properly aligned, even with the medication. And I find that incredibly frustrating.

Looking back, that period just after the workshop were my best years, at least personally. It is when I started learning how to be comfortable in my own skin. I need to relearn how to make my anxieties work for me, not against me. Just as our son has had to learn techniques to calm himself down when he feels himself going over the emotional cliff, I need to relearn them for myself. Something for me to work on next time I see my therapist.