Worries

My wife's attitude regarding her treatment for her Stage I breast cancer has deteriorated lately and I'm getting worried. Up until now, she has had a fairly positive attitude and, for the most part she still does. However, I've noticed a shift in her mood the last few days. She has become really worried as her chemotherapy is getting close to the end, expressing concern that her only barrier between her and a return of the cancer cells will be gone. Even though the surgeon got the entire tumor and they are medically shutting down her ovaries since her breast cancer was estrogen fueled, she is convinced the cancer will come back and she will die young. While she has had that fear since her diagnosis back in May, this has gotten worse the last few days.

Her white blood cells were very low when she went for her chemo last week, so low that she needed a shot (not sure what) to get her count up so she could get her treatment. She is trying to do everything right, exercising, eating correctly, drinking her water, etc. but still her count is down. That is a concern as she is more susceptible to catching a cold, not hard to do when you have a 12 year old and a 7 year old in the house. But that is physical and there is not much you can do about that aside from take precautions. Mental health is another matter and for the most part, hers has been pretty upbeat. She has been pretty open as her moods and opinions on things, like me, have swung wildly the last three months and I have been able to take the body blows knowing that this is just part of the process (only put me on anti-depressants and sent me to a shrink). She has told me she is very happy that my anger issues have faded away and our marriage seems to be doing better than it has in years. However, it is what she is talking about lately that bothers me.

This weekend she was looking up information on different cancers. At first, probably due to her low white cell count, she focused on Myelodysplastic Syndrome, the same blood disorder GMA's Robin Roberts contracted after her chemotherapy for breast cancer. Understandable. And then yesterday, she spent some time on rectal cancer lately, presumably because the husband of one of her friends was just diagnosed with it (outlook isn't great). However, some articles she found have suggested that survivors of breast cancer have a slightly higher risk of getting colorectal cancer, among other things. At that point that was all she could think about.

Ok, I know my wife tends to obsess about things so I originally thought that this is what that latest round of research was -- looking into treatments for her friend and she just happened to stumble upon this. But then she mentioned she wants to lower her 401k contributions so we could buy a new car and travel a bit. Sounds nice but I reminded her that my 401k alone won't be enough for both of us to retire on. She replied that she didn't think I would have to worry about that. When I asked her if she thought she was going to die young, her answer was yes. That's the first time, at least since she started her treatment, she has said that.

Maybe she is just tired. Between the hot flashes and medication that causes her to go to the bathroom constantly, she is barely getting two hours of sleep at a time. And even if she does get back to sleep, she is not finding it as restful. Or it could just be another reaction of her hormones bouncing all over the place. I've checked out several breast cancer boards and have seen similar issues so I am not too worried. And I hope that is all that this is. Because if it is not, then she is the one who needs to see the shrink, not me.

And I don't mean that in a negative or nasty way, it's just that I don't know what else to do. I've picked up more chores, do most of the cooking, work at home more often to help with the kids and give her time to go to the gym and generally try my best be positive. I can cook the right foods and try to say the right things but, at this point, like her physical condition, her mental condition may need professional assistance.